Heartsick

(Disclaimer: the baby is absolutely fine.)

Medically speaking, something catastrophic happened to someone I love.

I don’t feel it is my place to share the details publicly, but suffice it to say phrases like “ICU” and “ventilator” are not the ones you ever want to associate with people you love.

It is too overwhelming to write about, but also so encompassing I find I can’t write anything in its place, either. So I’ll check back in later, when it is easier to compartmentalize.

Until then, all I can say is if you love someone, make sure you say it. All the time. No matter what else the conversation holds or what else is on your mind.

Because in the moments that teeter between life and death, the moments where you don’t know if hope or despair will come your way, it just might be the only thing that brings any comfort. At least it did for me.

For now, I (and we) will focus on the positive, on the daily progressions and small victories that are in fact momentous. We will focus on the potential for improvement, and focus on what has been spared, not what has been taken away.

But still, in the midst of progress and the slow road to recovery, there is much to grieve.

My heart is heavy.

[Updated to add: heavy yet hopeful.]

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14 thoughts on “Heartsick

  1. Oh, Laurie, thank you for posting this and allowing us the honor to pray for you and your loved one. I am so sorry for any heartache you are going through and yes, we DO need to say “I love you” frequently to those we love. Even though I may say it casually to my husband every time he leaves the house, it doesn’t minimize that I really DO love him and if anything ever happened to either of us, those would be our words to each other heard. praying for you, sweetie. Glad the baby is okay and thanks for the disclaimer. You obviously knew we’d see that header and immediately think BABY, didn’t you? Take care of yourself too in the midst of this crisis.

  2. Thank you for checking in – I was truly worried that something happened with baby when you tweeted yesterday, though this sounds just as worrisome. Thinking of you and your heavy heart.

  3. Laurie,

    Please know you and your loved ones are in my prayers in a very special way at this difficult time. Thanks for taking the time during your own pain and crisis to reach out to all of us and remind us of what is really important.

    Take care and please keep us posted when you are able.

  4. I’ve been there, twice in the last year and a half. Once it went well and once it didn’t. It is a terrible place to be, feels like you’re walking a tightrope every minute of the day not daring to hope, yet incapable of doing anything other than chanting pleasepleaseplease in your head or under your breath.

    my thoughts are with you and your loved one. I’m joining my voice to yours and everyone else’s in the asking for healing.

  5. Laurie –

    I am sorry to hear that you are having such troubles. Please know I am thinking of you (and if you need anything, I’m close by). Be as well as possible, and know that I’m hoping with you.

  6. Oh Laurie,

    I hope your loved one is improving and on the road to recovery. It all sounds very scary, very upsetting, and very understandable why you wouldn’t want to write details yet not be able to write anything else, either.

    Hang in there. Take care of yourself, and your baby girl. I’m so grateful for the subhead (which I somehow missed as I saw the headline and dove into the post fearing … well, you know). And for the update at the end that you’re feeling hopeful.

    Thinking of you, and all your loved ones, and hoping the scare is just a scare, albeit a really scary one.

  7. I wish you, your loved one, and those who care about them strength, hope, and a peaceful resolution, whether it be happy or sad. *hugs* There’s little comfort at times like these, I am glad you have found some (and hope!).

  8. Oh, Laurie, I’m so, so sorry you’re going through this. It’s such a hard place to be, when a loved one is in the hospital. I’m hoping and praying the road to recovery is smooth.

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